Saturday, March 31, 2007

Another Email

Dearest XXXX
I arranged for this to be mailed after I left Oz for India.Thank you for all you have done for me in the past few months. I know it's not easy to be my friend, but I'm grateful you have hung in there.Before she died, Suzanne told me a few things and I know how difficult I am making things for everyone, and I'm sorry.I know it's been like this for months and everyone is tiring of me but still stands by me.I hope this trip can straighten out my life somewhat so that I don't become an emotional pain in the butt for everyone as I strongly suspect I am. I just wanted to say I am truly truly sorry that friendship with me is so damn difficult.I promise I will try and fix that. I love you like a daughter and I pray that you will never grow to dislike me as so many daughters dislike their mothers. You are one of the greatest gifts I have ever received and I don't want to wreck that.Please don't say that you have never ever felt that feeling of being tired by me because Suzanne warned me that I had to change my behaviour or risk losing everyone. She knows things. I can't say I blame any of you either.I think I would be sick of me too--in fact I AM sick of me. I hope I find the old Nikki again--the one you have never known--the one who giggles and laughs and doesn't get down and depressed. I know she is out there somewhere--I just hope I can find her before it's too late.
Know I love you cherie.That is unconditional and forever.


Thursday, March 29, 2007

Sasha..yet another blonde

Monday, March 26, 2007

This was "Libby" Do you know her?

Here is the email via "Sasha". I have photos of Sasha from her wedding I will search for.....

Date: Sat, 17 May 2003 19:06:34 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Sasha Harris"
Subject: Two Things To Give You Solace I Hope
I am horrible at scanning and Peter is not home to do this for me, but I will try. Here are two pictures of Libby...the one in stripes was taken when she was helping my dad sort some wedding pics of me.(this would have been late November) The one in red is of her taken before my wedding. (I managed to crop out her "date" of our ushers) This was the end of October, just a short while after she finished her rounds of chemo.
I sincerely hope this helps ease your mind. I have one of her goofing off in my maid of honour's kitchen and wearing my veil if you would like...let me know.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Can You Say Mental (her photo will always be added so it remains the first to load)

Date: Sat, 11 Dec 2004 16:10:23 +1100 (EST)
From: "Max"
Subject: Question
What do you make of this? This is Nikki out shopping the other day. I didn't take them, and they came to my work email address. Once again, I told the police, but they said "they are simply photos". They came as a greeting card so they cannot be traced.The card simply said "Ho Ho Ho--who is Christmas shopping?" My question is this: Should I tell Nikki and worry her, or just keep her close?
Jules can keep close for the next couple of weeks as he is finished work for the year now and doesn't leave until nearly Christmas, then I am finished work.
P.S: I am not showing you these to cause you worry because she is SAFE (and I DO mean SAFE) but I just want the opinion of someone who knows Nik's thoughts well.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Photo of Lissa along with another example.....

Date: Tue, 19 Oct 2004 11:45:29 +1000 (EST)
From: "Nikkohlina"
Subject: Re: Goodnight
Dearest XXXXX
I'm sorry if I made YOU sick. I know I did because Lissa said you were sick over there. Friends shouldn't do that, you are right.
I seem to do that a lot. Sooner or later, everyone tires of me. I don't understand why--I am not clingy or bossy or manipulative. Maybe it is because I am a very sensitive, emotional person. I hold so much in because of that.
I have sensed more than once that perhaps you were tiring.I even asked you about it on occasion. I am not wishing it on myself, but it seems to happen regularly on its own accord.
I am not asking for ANYONE to feel they need to hold me up. Everyone worries about the effects of everything on my health...and that is my fault for confessing how exactly my health is.
Maybe I need to simply shut myself away from everyone until I get a clean bill of health and then there will be no cause for worry.
I am not meaning to make anyone feel bad about anything,but I am doing a great job of it.
I just want to clarify that I am not upset with you in any way.My health issues are purely coincidental--they have nothing to do with anything that was said or done by you or Olivia or anyone else.Our little misunderstanding was not the main worry I have had over the past few days.I am having ex husband issues, brother issues and more issues related to my family problems. (family trust). This piled onto my health worries is making me break.
Max has gone into protective mode and is guarding my health and wellbeing out of worry and love. He said he emailed you and Olivia and I am sorry if he stepped on toes.
What I want to say cherie, is that if you want to leave, you can. I would never ever hold it against you. Maybe if you did that, you would return one day. I don't want anyone to maintain contact because they feel they have to.I told Olivia that myself this morning when she came by.
I am just worried that if I shatter things completely, they will be irrepairable and I would lose friendships permanently.
I am not a bad person. I am painfully shy and insecure (but NOT to the point of clinginess). I am not a pampered rich woman whose husband coddles her (and I am sure it appears this way on more than one occasion). I am scared and unsure of so many things.I don't want sympathy or pity.
Please do whatever is right for YOU and not ME. I don't ever ever want someone putting me first. I do not deserve that nor do I expect it. I love you completely, regardless of your decisions.
Well I am going to go take that nap now.
I hope you have a good day and that I somehow haven't ruined another. You are a wonderful person and I am blessed to know you.

I feel so sorry for her family........

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

How EVIL Lissa is

Date: Sun, 2 Apr 2006 08:18:34 +1000 (EST)
From: "Livvy"
Subject: Page
Now, before you go scrolling down, you need to decide if you want to see this page right now.
It's one Nik did of her treatment--showing her various drips and stuff. It's really confronting and her journalling rather sad. I find it even sadder because she wasn't doing any of that for herself. She would have preferred to have just been kept comfortable and live out her life rather than the endless rounds of chemo she would have had for the next couple of years...every couple of weeks.
I think she did this page out of love--to show everyone that she loved them enough to do this. It's still hard though. I find it especially distressing because it brings back my own memories of such things--though not nearly as punishing as hers was.
Decide if you want to look now or later.
Love and Light

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Joanna Lumley as "Nikki"

Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2006 19:48:42 +1000 (EST)
From: "Livvy"
Subject: This
Joelle sent me this. Some local had it amongst photos taken somewhere...Nik was in the background. This would have been early August.She looks unwell here so I'm thinking it was just after a treatment
Love and Light

Friday, March 9, 2007

Sick and CRUEL!

Date: Thu, 18 Aug 2005 11:20:51 +0200 (CEST)
From: "Joelle Reynaud"
Subject: Tr: Put in Folder For XXXXX
Pardon my English is not good.
I give promise to friend, and have promised I did not read.This most recent sent in place of others, sent just two weeks before now.Others deleted as instructed. Letters came often, always to replace last.
You were good friend to her. She loved and often spoke of girl in U.S.
Joelle Reynaud

Date: Wed, 17 Aug 2005 13:52:44 +1000 (EST)
From: "Nikkohlina"
Subject: Put in Folder For XXXX
HTML Attachment [ Scan and Save to Computer | Save to Yahoo! Briefcase ]
My Dearest XXXX
Every so often I write a new letter to you email it to Joelle, and have Joelle delete the previous one. She will send you this when I'm gone, and I know she will not have read it, so my words to you will remain private.
I write to you now as I am in France. It is very early in the morning and the sun is just coming up--a beautiful morning.
I'm writing this before my visit there, and if you are getting this before that time, I am so sorry that I left you and broke a promise. You know that I would never break a promise to you, and if I did, there must have been good reason I hope.
I just want to tell you how truly special you are to me, and how much I love you my darling girl.I hope you aren't angry with me for leaving. Sometimes things are just out of our hands.
I feel sad thinking right now that if you are getting this before my visit, I missed out on so many things...a hug, a chance to sit and have a long talk, fun at Disney and getting to know those precious babies of yours and maybe getting a real hug from a child I love just once in my life.
You are the daughter I never had, and that I wish I had. I really truly feel that you were my child at one time in some lifetime before--I love you that deeply.
I could never say that to you because I didn't want to sound crazy or like that horrible woman who told Libby such things. But, somehow when I found you, I filled a hole in my heart.
I wanted to be around to see you happy, and my god I hope I did. I promised you I would never go anywhere until I did.
I sit here writing this with tears streaming down my face at the mere thought of letting you down.
If that has happened, please please get the help you need. Do it for me, if not for you. If you feel you just can't take it anymore, go outside, look up and say Nikki help me, and I hope I can somehow give you strength. After all, my darling, I will never leave you.
I have left instructions that I will be cremated wherever I happen to leave, and then taken to Mrs. Mac's chair early one morning and let free. I don't want anyone to be there except the one who is doing it, and I want no tears from everyone else. I don't want any ceremony, I don't want flowers or funeral notices. I just want to quietly drift away from my favourite spot. Music will be Dream Star by Bond.I decided against Dharamsala because Sydney is just more accessible, and that is where I met my beloved Max and shared a happy life with him.
As for my beloved Max, please I beg you to look after him somehow. Send him emails,maybe have him visit you or will all work it out. Just don't let him slip into the cracks. Remember how much he meant to me and do that for me.
Maybe you could email Jules once in awhile too...he means a lot to me as well.
A year to the day after I leave I will go to my favourite spot and spend the day there. If you happen to go on that day and a breeze from nowhere ruffles your hair, that will be me.
I have always said that everything happens for a reason and I suppose my leaving will have had a reason as well. Fate is fate, and cannot be changed. I think all along I have felt very deep down inside that I am fated to leave suddenly. I left Sydney feeling this and as I type this, I still feel it. I just pray the end wasn't painful because that is one of my worst fears. I've always said I hoped I'd quietly slip away in my sleep and I hope that at least in that, fate was kind. I also hope it was being held by my beloved.
I have this for you:
Best of Friends
Sometimes friends have to leave
It's sad, but true
But this I do believe
They stay a part of you
And if I go away
To live some other place
I will think of you each day
And see your smilin' face
And I will always be your friend
No matter where you are
Just around the bend
Or very, very far
Wherever you will go
When you reach your journey's end
No matter what
I'll always be your friend
I will always be your friend
Although we're far apart
I'll see you in my dreams
And feel you in my heart
And though the years may fly
I know we'll meet again
And when we do
I still will be your friend
I'll always be your truest friend

I hope you can take some comfort in that my darling girl. I will always be there. You will be fine, you will be happy, you will laugh and smile again without even trying.Remember these words I have always loved:
Live well
Laugh often
Love much

I hope you can keep a little spark of memory of me in your mind because it would be wonderful to be remembered with fondness.
Thank you for making my life a bit brighter while I was going through the nightmare of cancer and chemo and all of that other stuff that went on. You have no idea how much you mean to me, and I doubt you will ever fully understand.As far as I was concerned, you were my daughter--I just didn't get to give birth to you and raise you.
Je vous aimerai pour toujours mon fille aimée.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Yeah, LIV as in Olivia Newton-John

Date: Wed, 8 Jun 2005 16:45:09 +1000 (EST)
From: "Livvy" Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
Subject: Nik
I don't know if you would have read Max's email before now (I noticed he sent it probably late in your evening) Anyway, I rang Nik, and he's right--she is very down today. I don't know why she is so low--I don't think it's all to do with the radiation. I think her thoughts are running rampant again.
I told her I am going to be there tomorrow (Thursday Sydney time) and take her out. We will do some girly stuff--maybe get our hair and nails done or something. I plan to fly in on an early flight so I can be at her house around the time she gets back from the hospital.
Will keep you posted. (I'll make sure she has a good day, ok?)
Love and Light
P.S: Sasha isn't doing the greatest, but she is trying--Janine has got her into some treatment program so hopefully she will soon be on the mend. I'll keep you posted on that one too!
Date: Wed, 5 Mar 2003 16:39:55 +1100 (EST)
From: "Libby Foster" Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
Subject: Thank You

Thank you for the really nice email you sent.I ask
myself a hundred times a day why this is happening to
me, and I don't know.I guess it is just meant to be
this way.
Funny, when you are dying how so many things seem
significant all of a sudden--the sound of J Mum's
voice or the smile I get from those near me.I know
that going to England may buy me a little time, or it
may buy me none.I know the time frame I am looking at
if if buys me none, but, like my friend Lucy, I will
hold that card close to my chest.
I am really lucky.I have been to a lot of places in
the world and seen a lot of wonderful things, so I
have no complaints.
I am just so sorry I have been such a disappointment
to J Mum.She wanted a daughter so much--as much as I
wanted a mum.I have let her down in the worst
way--just as I have let Nancy and Olivia down.I tried
really hard, but I failed.
Anyway, I am taking a couple of days for myself before
I speak to J Mum again.I have a lot of things I need
to take care of.Tidying up my house I guess you can
call it.
Thank you for being so nice to me.I will email again
Love Always,