Sick and CRUEL!

Date: Thu, 18 Aug 2005 11:20:51 +0200 (CEST)
From: "Joelle Reynaud"
Subject: Tr: Put in Folder For XXXXX
To: XXXXXXXXX@yahoo.com
Chere XXXXXX
Pardon my English is not good.
I give promise to friend, and have promised I did not read.This most recent sent in place of others, sent just two weeks before now.Others deleted as instructed. Letters came often, always to replace last.
You were good friend to her. She loved and often spoke of girl in U.S.
Joelle Reynaud


Date: Wed, 17 Aug 2005 13:52:44 +1000 (EST)
From: "Nikkohlina"
Subject: Put in Folder For XXXX
To: joelle_reynaud@yahoo.fr
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My Dearest XXXX
Every so often I write a new letter to you email it to Joelle, and have Joelle delete the previous one. She will send you this when I'm gone, and I know she will not have read it, so my words to you will remain private.
I write to you now as I am in France. It is very early in the morning and the sun is just coming up--a beautiful morning.
I'm writing this before my visit there, and if you are getting this before that time, I am so sorry that I left you and broke a promise. You know that I would never break a promise to you, and if I did, there must have been good reason I hope.
I just want to tell you how truly special you are to me, and how much I love you my darling girl.I hope you aren't angry with me for leaving. Sometimes things are just out of our hands.
I feel sad thinking right now that if you are getting this before my visit, I missed out on so many things...a hug, a chance to sit and have a long talk, fun at Disney and getting to know those precious babies of yours and maybe getting a real hug from a child I love just once in my life.
You are the daughter I never had, and that I wish I had. I really truly feel that you were my child at one time in some lifetime before--I love you that deeply.
I could never say that to you because I didn't want to sound crazy or like that horrible woman who told Libby such things. But, somehow when I found you, I filled a hole in my heart.
I wanted to be around to see you happy, and my god I hope I did. I promised you I would never go anywhere until I did.
I sit here writing this with tears streaming down my face at the mere thought of letting you down.
If that has happened, please please get the help you need. Do it for me, if not for you. If you feel you just can't take it anymore, go outside, look up and say Nikki help me, and I hope I can somehow give you strength. After all, my darling, I will never leave you.
I have left instructions that I will be cremated wherever I happen to leave, and then taken to Mrs. Mac's chair early one morning and let free. I don't want anyone to be there except the one who is doing it, and I want no tears from everyone else. I don't want any ceremony, I don't want flowers or funeral notices. I just want to quietly drift away from my favourite spot. Music will be Dream Star by Bond.I decided against Dharamsala because Sydney is just more accessible, and that is where I met my beloved Max and shared a happy life with him.
As for my beloved Max, please I beg you to look after him somehow. Send him emails,maybe have him visit you or something...you will all work it out. Just don't let him slip into the cracks. Remember how much he meant to me and do that for me.
Maybe you could email Jules once in awhile too...he means a lot to me as well.
A year to the day after I leave I will go to my favourite spot and spend the day there. If you happen to go on that day and a breeze from nowhere ruffles your hair, that will be me.
I have always said that everything happens for a reason and I suppose my leaving will have had a reason as well. Fate is fate, and cannot be changed. I think all along I have felt very deep down inside that I am fated to leave suddenly. I left Sydney feeling this and as I type this, I still feel it. I just pray the end wasn't painful because that is one of my worst fears. I've always said I hoped I'd quietly slip away in my sleep and I hope that at least in that, fate was kind. I also hope it was being held by my beloved.
I have this for you:
Best of Friends
Sometimes friends have to leave
It's sad, but true
But this I do believe
They stay a part of you
And if I go away
To live some other place
I will think of you each day
And see your smilin' face
And I will always be your friend
No matter where you are
Just around the bend
Or very, very far
Wherever you will go
When you reach your journey's end
No matter what
I'll always be your friend
I will always be your friend
Although we're far apart
I'll see you in my dreams
And feel you in my heart
And though the years may fly
I know we'll meet again
And when we do
I still will be your friend
I'll always be your truest friend


I hope you can take some comfort in that my darling girl. I will always be there. You will be fine, you will be happy, you will laugh and smile again without even trying.Remember these words I have always loved:
Live well
Laugh often
Love much

I hope you can keep a little spark of memory of me in your mind because it would be wonderful to be remembered with fondness.
Thank you for making my life a bit brighter while I was going through the nightmare of cancer and chemo and all of that other stuff that went on. You have no idea how much you mean to me, and I doubt you will ever fully understand.As far as I was concerned, you were my daughter--I just didn't get to give birth to you and raise you.
Je vous aimerai pour toujours mon fille aimée.
Affectueusement
Nikki
XOXOXOXOXOX