Saturday, April 28, 2007

Oh me oh my not more problems

Thu, 4 Nov 2004 21:26:34 +1100 (EST)
From: "Max"
Subject: Nikki
You wouldn't have got a morning email today because Nikki had a distressing confrontation with her brother,who turned up here. He shouted at her, and as she turned to close the door he grabbed a handful of her hair, and pulled the wig off. They are locked in a disagreement over family matters.
I am sure she will email in the morning.

Sure LISSA I Was SOOOO Happy...Idiot

Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2005 20:53:19 +1100 (EST)
From: "Nikkohlina"
Subject: Nothing
Dearest XXXXX
I earlier had a big huge fight with Olivia over the telephone. I got the "we're all concerned about your smoking" etc. Of course she said it in a nice way but I told her to mind her business (also in a nice way of course). She told me not to get so defensive and it escalated until we were both angry and in tears.
Bottom Line? I told her not to bother coming to see me. Really,I am really really really sick of everyone talking of me behind my back. I know you are one of the "concerned" ones as well.
When I talked to you on the phone the other day, you acted like you knew nothing of things. You did this to my "face".
God, I don't know what to do anymore. You can all just talk amongst yourselves to your hearts content, ok? Just leave me out of it.
I don't know who I can trust anymore. Analysing and discussing my habits and behaviours...lots there to discuss I am sure because I am an idiot.
And don't worry--Olivia didn't give your secret away. I said "XXXXX isn't worried so why should you be?" and she yelled "Of COURSE she is worried!" Then, I knew.
I didn't watch the opening of the men's final in the tennis because I didn't want to hear her sing. But, despite our argument, I am sure she did a fantastic job. I wouldn't expect the "Nikki is really mad" email from her tonight, cherie, she will have a late night at the party after the tennis.
I honestly don't care that the two of you email each other--in fact I think it is nice, but perhaps you can talk of something other than me. Seems we have been down this road before. I am tired and I am going to go to bed now.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Another good one

Date: Wed, 17 Aug 2005 19:02:51 +1000 (EST)
From: "Nikkohlina"
Subject: HOme
Dearest XXXXX
I'm hoime form tratement and as youu can see, it's affecting me alreaaady.I feel really slow and have to really focus on teh keyboard.
I'm okj though. Just wanted to tell ouy so.Max saud we can go sit on the beach after lunch.
I iwll email again before bed.
LOve Nikkkki

This was the LAST photo of Nikki, taken just hours before the accident. And yes, I thought she looked damn good for someone who JUST had chemo that morning.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

All About Nikki-First email from Julian and Max

Date: 12 May 2005 06:44:02 -0000
Subject: Shhh...Nik doesn't know..

Sketches By A Dance Diva
by TinkNJules

( 7 images )

Julian Anderson

I saw Nik address your album invite a couple of minutes ago. Thought you'd like to see THIS one too! (LOL) Our girl has a secret talent! (I'll tell her I invited you once I press send!) Ciao, Jules

Date: Tue, 15 Jun 2004 12:26:07 +1000 (EST)
From: "Max Reynolds"
Subject: Nikki
I just wanted to drop you a line while I keep Nikki company at the hospital. She has had her procedure done and is resting comfortably now. She has to lie still for a few more hours then can go home. The procedure was called a cardiac catheterization, and it tested her heart and also opened up something that was partly blocked. (they insert some kind of tube into her heart or something like that). She is having a sleep now but said she felt fine and will talk to you this evening.I'll set her up in bed with my laptop. She said she is fine so you aren't to fret. She came came out to recovery around 10:30 and needs to lie here for another 2 or 3 hours. Then she is free to go home and should not have more troubles.

This may explain the email addresses used by Max and Julian. They were Nikkis support team and it was ALWAYS about her wellbeing. The oh so very protective men in her life.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

As Lissa's World Turns

Date: Mon, 23 Jan 2006 10:46:07 +1100 (EST)
From: "Julian Anderson"

Subject: letter to Suraya
Dearest Suraya
Thank you for your letter. I love getting mail and it's always a pleasure to find something from you in my letterbox. Not many people write to me which makes yours all the more sweet. It fills my heart with joy to hear from you.
I write to you with a heavy heart because I am carrying a deep secret that I am afraid to tell everyone. Nearly two months ago I was told I have maybe at best, two years to live. You see, my cancer has taken hold and there is nothing that will turn back the tide now. I have selfishly wanted to do so many things in the next few years that I fear I am being punished for wanting something for myself. Do you think this is possible? I know it's very wrong of me to want something, and I am ashamed to admit I have prayed for wanting more time.
Suraya, how can I tell my husband and "family" that I am dying sooner than expected? They expect so much from me in the next couple of years--they all speak of how I have lots of time left to do this and do that. I am going to let them down in a very big way.
I don't want to tell Max just yet because it will spoil the holiday for him.He needs this rest from all the stresses of the year.
I can't even confide in XXXXX because she has so much going on in her own life right now, and I don't want to add to her burden. We speak on the phone and I come so close to confiding in her just to ease this burden in my heart and to hear words of comfort, but I know I can't. She won't be able to offer words of comfort when she is feeling bad about our shortened time together. It wouldn't be fair to expect it. Julian is still dealing with the loss of Martin, so I don't want to burden him too soon either. I have nobody to talk to and that makes it really lonely.
How do I prepare myself for dying? What should I be doing?
Where will I end up when I do die? I know I'm not the kind that would end up in any kind of Heaven--you know all about my past long ago, but I am frightened about where someone like me ends up. Max will end up somewhere totally different one day because he is such a good good person, so will I ever see him again?
Is it selfish to hope and pray that when the end comes that I will be safe in Max's arms? I think that if I'm not I will be very frightened. Is it terrible to be glad that I will be going first so that I don't have to face so much as a minute without him? My love for him runs so very very deep as you know. He is strong and he will be ok but I am not so strong and my heart would shatter if I didn't go first. Is it too much to hope that he can hold me? Is that unfair to him?
I feel so very lost in all of this. I try to hold close the conversation His Holiness and I had when I visited and it does give me some comfort but I still have so many worries.
What should I be reading? What lessons should I be learning? Can you find me the right texts to make me feel somewhat better and more prepared?
I look forward to your reply. I will write again next week. Give my love to Raj and little Nima. I hope she likes the little doll I am sending with all my blessings.
With much much love,

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Few more from Liv

Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2006 07:58:15 +1100 (EST)
From: "Livvy"

Subject: Hello
Thanks for the emails. I can't say the concert went brilliantly because I struggled a bit. My throat was a bit sore, and I actually had to stop just into Serenity because it suddenly took on a whole new meaning singing it in that place, with that orchestra and knowing who was missing.Nik loved that song and those words very much.It's how she lived her life, after all. I covered though by simply saying I forgot the words. I began again, and finished. I was worried I'd stumble because in the dressing room I had suddenly felt so emotional but it wasn't as bad as I thought.Tonight will be easier, though my throat is still troubling me a bit. It's definitely not easy.
There were a few odd bods in attendance, but I balanced it by planting a couple of friends in there too. I'll make sure I have a friend or two there each night.
Well it is time for me to get myself organised for another day.
I will drop you a line later.
I'm glad you liked the page I made.
No, I don't think I have any of Nik with the SSO. She wasn't one to send me ones of her working. If she has deleted them, then that is a real pity. Surely there must be hard copies of photos at the house somewhere.She was a great one for hiding little locked boxes of treasures into niches in the house. In the meantime,I'll ask the maestro if there are any. Maybe in some archive somewhere...
Have a good evening
Love and Light

Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2006 17:47:17 +1100 (EST)
From: "Livvy"
Subject: Some Good Comes Out Of Things
You know, my little lapse on stage the other night brought about some good. Thought I'd share. I suddenly knew just the photo to use. The text could have been clearer..don't know what happened there! And you know, I did this one sitting on Nik's jetty today.
Love and Light

Monday, April 2, 2007

More Head Games

Date: Tue, 23 Aug 2005 06:35:34 +1000 (EST)
From: "Julian Anderson"
Subject: Re: Today
Well the black day draws to a close. It was one of the hardest days yet I think. I slipped your letter into her pocket for you.I put her violin in as well. I put Max's tennis raquet in with him, and one of the many love notes Nik writes to him that I found doodled into a pad of paper.
I know I'm going to hit rock bottom, and I will hold myself together for just another few days, then I'll allow myself to sink, and sink I will I'm sure.
I'm thinking of going to Mrs Mac's chair around 6:30 AM Sydney time Friday morning--before a lot of people are about.You don't think that Friday is too soon do you? I know Nik wouldn't want me to beat around the bush as I'd like to.
Claire will be ok with things. She is distraught and offered to come here to fly back with me, but I said the support when I get there will be fine. I think I'll need to do a bit of leaning on them.
Yes Sasha has cracked. Poor kid has taken a lot of loss in a few short years. She'll be ok though because she's being looked after. Maybe she needed to bottom out too.
Meanwhile I say prayers for Liv because she has absolutely no closure. I just pray he didn't go off and do something in depression or something, leaving this woman wondering.
Well XXXX I am going to go and have a cognac and a smoke, then I'm going to go to bed and end this day. I will go pick them up tomorrow for a last night here in the house.
Take care of yourself
P.S: Lots of photos I have. I've got a nice one from when we went to Monaco--just let me know when you want it.