As Lissa's World Turns

Date: Mon, 23 Jan 2006 10:46:07 +1100 (EST)
From: "Julian Anderson" tinknjules@yahoo.com.au

Subject: letter to Suraya
To: XXXXX@yahoo.com
Dearest Suraya
Thank you for your letter. I love getting mail and it's always a pleasure to find something from you in my letterbox. Not many people write to me which makes yours all the more sweet. It fills my heart with joy to hear from you.
I write to you with a heavy heart because I am carrying a deep secret that I am afraid to tell everyone. Nearly two months ago I was told I have maybe at best, two years to live. You see, my cancer has taken hold and there is nothing that will turn back the tide now. I have selfishly wanted to do so many things in the next few years that I fear I am being punished for wanting something for myself. Do you think this is possible? I know it's very wrong of me to want something, and I am ashamed to admit I have prayed for wanting more time.
Suraya, how can I tell my husband and "family" that I am dying sooner than expected? They expect so much from me in the next couple of years--they all speak of how I have lots of time left to do this and do that. I am going to let them down in a very big way.
I don't want to tell Max just yet because it will spoil the holiday for him.He needs this rest from all the stresses of the year.
I can't even confide in XXXXX because she has so much going on in her own life right now, and I don't want to add to her burden. We speak on the phone and I come so close to confiding in her just to ease this burden in my heart and to hear words of comfort, but I know I can't. She won't be able to offer words of comfort when she is feeling bad about our shortened time together. It wouldn't be fair to expect it. Julian is still dealing with the loss of Martin, so I don't want to burden him too soon either. I have nobody to talk to and that makes it really lonely.
How do I prepare myself for dying? What should I be doing?
Where will I end up when I do die? I know I'm not the kind that would end up in any kind of Heaven--you know all about my past long ago, but I am frightened about where someone like me ends up. Max will end up somewhere totally different one day because he is such a good good person, so will I ever see him again?
Is it selfish to hope and pray that when the end comes that I will be safe in Max's arms? I think that if I'm not I will be very frightened. Is it terrible to be glad that I will be going first so that I don't have to face so much as a minute without him? My love for him runs so very very deep as you know. He is strong and he will be ok but I am not so strong and my heart would shatter if I didn't go first. Is it too much to hope that he can hold me? Is that unfair to him?
I feel so very lost in all of this. I try to hold close the conversation His Holiness and I had when I visited and it does give me some comfort but I still have so many worries.
What should I be reading? What lessons should I be learning? Can you find me the right texts to make me feel somewhat better and more prepared?
I look forward to your reply. I will write again next week. Give my love to Raj and little Nima. I hope she likes the little doll I am sending with all my blessings.
With much much love,
Nikki